[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
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Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
☺️
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?