Cucumbers Anonymous
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Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Growing out my freckles.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer