[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
You Might Also Like
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Discuss
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Are these grass-fed oranges?