[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
You Might Also Like
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Velcrow
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.