I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
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Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?