The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Camping tip: No.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Squirrels before girls.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.