I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”