I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Me when my alarm goes off
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.