Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
But wait…
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
sir, my pâté if you please
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later