Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
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The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today