JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*skinny dips into black hole
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.