his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
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It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
#StillHurts
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My what?