Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
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One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there