My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Did my cat write this
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.