[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
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“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
i actually laughed 😩
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
If you love someone, let them tweet.