The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
this has done me in for some reason
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁