Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
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[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.