People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.