*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
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Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Danger is very dangerous
m’lady
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.