bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I am having an out of money experience.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.