We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine