Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
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Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
you will never know the true number of layers
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The Birdles
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.