Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”