God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now