No one girl should have all that power. 😂
You Might Also Like
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.