I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I love the National Park Service.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?