Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
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1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?