Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
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At least my masseuse has my back.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Had an epiphany today.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.