“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.