Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?