my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
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*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Rooting for the overdog
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”