Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
OH. COME. ON.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.