A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My life coach traded me.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)