Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
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I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life