The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!πππ
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Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
oh my gosh!!
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then weβll talk
Sure, Iβm uncomfortable, but only in situations
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
titanic
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Q: Why isnβt the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling βFamily Connection Time.β Iβve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.