STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Can. I. Help. You.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died