When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.