I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
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You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.