The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
When you’ve simply given up.