Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.