GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
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If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.