You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
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Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.