When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?