Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
😂😂😂
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
the best thing i’ve ever made
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
won’t smith
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.