You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I’d love this…lol
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*