Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
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Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
podcasts
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch