Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
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“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no