Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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