Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
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*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’