A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.